A Reminder of the Positives

Okay,

A reminder that there are always positives and silver linings. My list of things that have made me smile this week:

• My very small seventh period class that has a host of characters who crack wise and make me smile.
• The boy in fourth period who put himself into timeout after being kind of ridiculous.
• The student who said that my class was the reason she came to school.
• The third period class that was quiet for announcements two days in a row!
• The PLC meeting where we ate breadsticks, chips and dip, held babies, looked at flying squirrel pictures with a then-8 year old and still made SMART goals.
• The department team full of people who listen to the good, bad and ugly without judgement, and then provide therapy via food, alcohol, laughter, commiseration or a combination of all of those. 
• Living alone and being able to pass out on my couch at 6pm without judgement. 
• This video going around the world:

So, there is laughter and silver linings. This week had a lot of lows, and it is so easy to get lost in those. I have to force myself to remember that there are incredibly positives things as well.

Grading Blues, Student Goldens

I have got to say, this week starting out SO incredibly positive. My hardest class was decently behaved and I even got to hear the announcements on both Monday and Tuesday. It was shocking, a miracle in fact. I was flying high by the end of the day...sure I had mountains of grading and tons of planning to do, but my students were well behaved and some were even working. AWESOME. 

I love little moments with students, my "golden" moments if you will. Moments when they understand a concept or get excited about a project or about what we are reading right now (The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros). I love when they share funny little insights or stories with me, or when they crack jokes. I love the few who pick up trash from my floor simply to be kind, or jump in helping me move desks for the PSATs just because they can. I try very hard to reward those kids, sometimes in front of others if I can, so that they know to continue that positive behavior. Those are moments that I live for. 

Then there are days like today. Days when the students and their apathy get me down. Please don't tell me (unless you are an educator) that it is my job to have some of that apathy dissipate. I'm aware, thank you. Doesn't mean that it isn't exhausting. It is exhausting to try to be passionate when students don't give you anything back. Veteran teachers, I ask you this; how do you combat this? Is my feeling of melancholy simply because I am not dedicated enough? I don't think so, I feel highly dedicated to my profession. I believe in the work I do, but I don't believe in forcing students to learn. 

The culture shock is...tough. That is for sure. But, it isn't just that. This is my first year teaching, and so much is overwhelming. The internet is a beautiful place, so finding lesson plan ideas isn't too difficult. Still though, it takes time. So does grading. Ugh, grading is the worst. Especially as an English teacher. I am so behind, and I hate it. My current stack of grading is:

I am slowly working through everything. Still though...not easy. I know, I know. I will get into a groove. As the years go by, grading will be easier and planning will be less stressful. I get that. I am so aware. I don't need someone to tell me this. Knowing that something is normal, knowing that you will get through it, that isn't always enough. Sometimes, stuff just sucks and you have to vent and get it out there. Sometimes you need to call to other people in your profession and say, "hey, is this what you are dealing with too?" 

Alright. There is my rant. I tried to have a combo of positive and negative too. Thanks, as always, for reading.

Spirit Days

I believe in Spirit Days. I believe in a positive school culture. It is hard to not compare where I am teaching to my own high school experience because we had so much school spirit at my school. I have never been to a place that has basically no school spirit.

That being said, I have tried to actively get involved in projects and groups that have primarily goals meant to move toward improving the school culture. One key thing, I believe, is having spirit days. Traditionally, spirit days are on big important days for major sports, or leading up to homecoming (at least in my experience). This school takes homecoming very seriously. So, it should come as no surprise that they are doing a spirit week.

Today is "freaky friday" which means that students are meant to dress "their opposite". Naturally, my students took that to mean "cross dressing", to use their vernacular. To be completely honest, while I have lived a somewhat sheltered life, I still think I've experienced some fairly offensive things. However, this day I have witness more offensive things than I have ever seen. I have never been so upset.

Part of me feels like I should be more loose. By now, I know what town I live in. Besides, no one else seems as bothered as I am . Not my fellow teachers, students, nor administration. So, why am I so upset? Is it because I have been taught my whole life about the importance of equality? Is it because a core part of my belief system is tolerance and acceptance; which includes not mocking other people's way of life. Perhaps it is gestures and comments where the boys who dressed female mock my gender, or the people who pretend to be another race and make comments about eating fried chicken. I know I am in a small town. I know where I am. So, why am I so bothered?

I am bothered because this is the first time that I feel like there has been a direct assault on my belief system. A belief system that I am used to being supported. I do not blame anyone here. I do not lay fault on people. If anything, in typical fashion, I blame myself. I blame myself for allowing myself to get so upset. I hate that I am so upset. I hate that this is me. I hate that I know this is something that will happen often, especially as long as I teach in places outside of my comfort zone.

The positive part, I am learning so very much. Learning has always been so important to me, so i am glad to be learning here.

Long, long week.

It has been a while since I have posted. Partly because the last few days have not been great. Sometimes it is so hard not to get bogged down in the awfulness of this profession. I don't know if I will ever understand a country with as much drive as the U.S. being so unwilling to improve education. From Pre-kindergarten, through high school, into college (both undergraduate and beyond) up into the teacher level there needs to be more support. More money towards resources, more pay to those who are willing to dedicate themselves to the profession. More support and money to those in school. If you are a student, especially in higher education, it is almost like you get punished for wanted to improve your way of life. In some ways, I can understand why people see little to no value in education. Education can suck, but knowledge is awesome.

This is the mindset this week has left me in. Monday started out ridiculous, Tuesday I saw the empirical evidence of just how much of  a pay cut I took from a non-education, semi-non professional (no college degree necessary) job to this one. Wednesday was a wasted hour and a half meeting when I could truly use that time to catch up on grading and planning (who couldn't use it at this time of year?) and today is a loss of prep time. Most of this is not bad individually. Add all of this together, along with my growing sense of isolation and homesickness and it makes for a pretty rough week.

It makes me wonder why I am in this profession. Like so many teachers, I put in long days, non-contract time to help with clubs, and weekends. So, it is frustrating to not feel compensated or appreciated. The culture shock has not helped matters. Students who don't understand why I would ask them to work, who have no problem telling me how to teach, who think they are my friends and can give me advice. I get it, this is a sign of the times. I understand my generation and those below us are not always awesome. I know, it is up to us as teachers, and up to parents, to help improve things. Still, it can be really tough.

Then I have students who seemed to have really responded to me. I looked super down when I got my paycheck (yay anxiety attack in front of a small class), and one of my students came up to me later and said "Ms. C, I feel like I need to punch someone for making you upset." While not quite an appropriate reaction, still super sweet. Another student has come to trust me enough to ask for advice about dealing with her anger issues and asking about resources to help to talk to her mom about certain issues. I love being able to point kids in directions of people who can help them, or being able to laugh with them. One student made me crack up when he suggested the class do an adaptation of the short story "The Sniper" turned into a musical (this is a rather morose story so the idea of a musical would be hilarious). It is those little moments that make me laugh and remember that I have to be in it for the students.

My worry is that, this is my first year and I am rather young. I can't be this jaded so soon. I'm sorry to be a downer. I am trying to hard to pull myself up. It is a mindset, and I will be fair; today is a much better day than the previous ones. So, there is always a silver lining. Thanks for reading!